For about the tenth time this morning I'm starting to type, and hopefully this won't end up deleted, like the prior ten entries have.

It's really just unbelievable... the facade, that we as human beings put up to cover our weaknesses. It's so delicate and fragile, and mine just came tumbling down last night right in front of me. Two months of "getting over it" have come to mean absolutely nothing, except that I'm lying to myself.

I really tricked myself, too.

I actually thought I had dealt with things! I actually thought I was ready to move on and become that better, stronger person that everyone says you become after you get dropped. "You don't need her! You'll find someone who cares about you and treats you with respect! It happens to everyone, you'll get over it."

And you just keep telling yourself that stuff over and over again.

And then you have a few good days in a row, and they turn into good weeks, and you think that pain is gone, and that you've dealt.

I mean, I even thought I ready to find someone else!

What the hell was wrong with me.

I'm not ready for ANYTHING.

It's all a big lie, and it makes my heart hurt...

...and she wishes there was something she could do.

...and I don't know what to do.

She's still the same girl I fell in love with in December. I can still be honest with her and look her in the eyes and bare my soul and just drop off into a dream.

It absolutely kills me that I'm not a part of her life.

But I can't be, not in this capacity, at least.

Everytime I see her part of me dies. I'm so completely lost right now.

I went home and hugged the life out of my pillow and I curled up on my bed and I was a big-fucking-baby.

And then she called, and I just sort of sat there leaking tears onto my rug for the duration of our conversation.

I slept the sleep of a lonely little kid, a pathetic thing, like a man who has just had part of his body amputated. And I tossed and turned and had horrible nightmares about her living her life, and doing just fine without me.